


Lost

by caxsthetic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Letting Go of Someone, Love Triangles, Post-Break Up, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caxsthetic/pseuds/caxsthetic
Summary: Sometimes, people let the person they love to slip between their fingers without noticing it.You always wanted a love that lasts forever, to maybe became a heroine on your own life and having the perfect man that would love you until the end of time. For years, your prince came into your life as a cocky dumb setter that somehow could always put a smile on your face.Nothing was perfect in this life, and not everything would go like you wanted it to be. But you really wished that he was the one, you really wanted to have a lifetime with him.Yet sometimes love just ain't enough, you know?
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Reader, Miya Osamu/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 88
Collections: Haikyuu





	1. Lost to Pride

The  gymnasium already felt like your second home by now, no matter where it was. It was energetic and majestic, being there just made you feel alive. But here you have another job to do rather than just enjoying your school volleyball's team playing on the court.

The roar of Miya Atsumu's fans always made you feel tired. It's not that you were jealous of how one person could be loved by a lot of people, but it was the fact that you needed to make them quiet down when Atsumu's serve, or else, it would be their own nightmare.

"Hey, I am sorry," You called out to some of them who had been cheering non-stop. Atsumu was going to serve since he's already walking to take his formation. But those girls just won't quiet down, "Please  be silent ."

They finally turned to look at you, jolted when they could sense the immense aura radiating from your body. It was scary even though you were smiling at them with your eyes closed, looking like an innocent girl, but nothing screamed innocent from how deadly you looked now.

"Now, don't make a sound when Tsumu does his serve, okay?" You patted their shoulders with the same unreadable smile, "If you still do that, well," Your eyes opened to see them, sending an intense glare, "I wouldn't let you set foot in  the  Inarizaki stands ever again."

They nodded stiffly and only focused on the court, now without emitting a single sound from their lips. You could calm down and enjoy their match now, without being afraid one of the fangirls ruined his moment.

_ "S-She's terrifying." _

_ "I know right? Who is she?" _

_ "What?! You don't know her?" _

_ "She's Atsumu's girlfriend!" _

_ "Damn, she's really in the same league." _

Just like your boyfriend, you were well known outside of your school. You have been best friends with the twins since junior high, and somehow, you become their guardian angel and the ultimate weapon to set them apart if their bickering became too much.

_ "You know? I think I never want you to be out of my life," It was so sudden, the three of you were walking home together after practice, "What do you think about me, (Y/n)?" _

_ "Huh?" You were confused with the question, "Hmm.. Since you asked, then. You are annoying, sarcastic, stubborn-" _

_ "Hey hey hey! That's not what I wanted to hear from you!" _

_ "Lying prick, scoundrel-" Atsumu clamped your mouth with his palm. You were surprised by it and gave him a glare, resulting in him to stick out his tongue at you playfully. So you decided to do the same and lick his palm even though you were grossed out by it. _

_ "Ew, what the fuck!" He groaned and wiped his palm to your uniform, "Why are you so mean to me?! You never do this to Samu!" _

_ "Well, because Samu never pulled something like that on me. Right, Samu?" The other twin nodded and kept eating the onigiri that you made for him, "You regret saying you want me in your life forever, now?" You chuckled and hit Atsumu's arm with a lazy force, _

_ "No," The answer caught you off guard, "I meant it, (Y/n)." It's not the words that made you shocked, but it's how his voice turned serious immediately, "Samu, go ahead. I want to talk to her." _

_ Osamu stopped his eating and looked concerned for a split second. But then he just nodded and walked first. His eyes scanned your face for a while. When he didn't find any uncomfortable expression, he decided to leave you there with his twin brother. _

_ "What did you want to talk to me about, Tsumu?" You tilted your head, acting so calmed outside while actually your heart has been thundering since he said that first sentence. _

_ Atsumu just smiled, knowing exactly what's in your head. He knew you long enough to know when you felt flustered. The tinted pinkish hue on your cheek, how you try to break eye contact every few seconds, he could see right through you with just a single glance. _

_ He leaned in slowly, testing the water with his eyes still scanning your face. You widen your eyes when he's getting closer and closer. Your hands still fall beside you, and the little gap in your lips made him sure that you, the girl that he always adores, might like him too. _

_ So when you didn't push him away or yelled at him, he decided to close the gap between the two of you. He closed his eyes when his lips finally touched yours, and it made him relieved that you kissed him back within seconds. _

_ Atsumu is known as someone who loves to fool around, having different girls every weekend. You knew about this, and you should have been wary by now. But when his lips touched yours, everything felt so right. _

_ You always wanted to be the one he brought to his room, you wanted to be the one who he kissed. But you were always just to be a girl who stuck in his living room, talking with his twin brother, watched TV and turned the volume up. All  _ _ so _ _ you didn't have to hear what happened on the second floor. _

_ So when he leaned down to kiss you, how could you say no to that? He cupped your face and kissed you passionately. Turning the soft first kiss to be heavenly. He pulled his kiss to grasp some air, smiling at you and kissed your cheek playfully. _

_ "You are mine now." It's a demand, but you were not angry, because you know that's what you always wanted. Maybe, maybe you would be the last girl in his life. And he's hoping for you to be his forever. _

For the entire match, you have been praying and thinking about what to cook to celebrate his winning today. It was like a reflex, thinking that they will always win. After all, it's still the second day of Nationals, they could push it and win the match.

But that's when you were wrong.

You couldn't believe your eyes as you saw the twins attack were blocked by the Karasuno freak duo. When the umpire whistled the blow, the only thing that ran into your mind was your boyfriend. A trait that was well known by the others was the fact that Miya Atsumu hated losing.

The others didn't have to call you, you knew that you were the ultimate back up plan to calm him down when Inarizaki lost. If Kita couldn't even handle him, then they need you to be there.

You texted Osamu that you were already in front of the changing room, knowing for sure that your boyfriend wouldn't open up his phone until later. Today's match was intense, both of the teams were hungry for victory. For you, today's match was already great for your team. After all, this would be just a mere memory tomorrow.

When you heard the door open, you immediately looked forward in hope to see your boyfriend. All of his teammates were piled up to go outside, they were all nodding at you with a faint smile on their faces. Even Kita looked upset for a second.

"He's inside," Osamu walked up to you with his calm expression, "Today's match hit a spot on his pride, please be careful." You nodded at this and thanked the grey-haired wing spiker.

What's dangerous about Miya Atsumu was his pride. It was something that sculpted him to be like the person he is today. All of the harsh words and snarky comments, it was because he really believes in his ability, and he felt superior by it.

You opened the door slowly, scanned the room to see your boyfriend standing in front of the mirror. His back was on  to you, but he could see your reflection through the mirror. He usually would turn his back immediately, putting his forehead on your shoulders as you stroked his hair.

But then his twin's words rang inside your head as he didn't even turn to look at you. He looked so tense, hands making a fist as his gaze hardened to his own reflection. You were worried for your boyfriend, so you took a little step towards him.

"Tsu-"

"What are you doing here?" He didn't raise his voice, but you could recognize the annoyance that was dripping on his voice. Something that he usually blurted to anyone else, but never at you, "Are you deaf?"

"W-What?" Miya Atsumu never gave you his vicious words before, so you were taken aback by it, "I am here for you of course, what else, Tsumu?"

Hearing that, he turned his head towards you. You immediately flinched and took a step backwards when you saw the blazing look on his eyes. He walked up to you, and for the first time since you knew him, you were afraid.

"Oh? Here for me?" It's like he was surprised to hear that, "Why should you? I am fine, and it's not like your appearance could change the fact that I just lost." You didn't mean to make him feel bad, not at all,

"Tsumu, that's not my intent-"

"Tsumu this, Tsumu that! Why couldn't you just give me space for just a second?!" He was beyond frustrated, he knew what he did was wrong, pouring all of his frustration towards you, but he just couldn't stop, "You always act so clingy towards me, never once giving me space!"

You felt guilty, you never meant to be like that. He never complained before, on the contrary, he usually complained if you didn't give him enough attention. You could only bite your lip. It would pass, he's just angry right now.

"Can't you understand what I've been telling you?" He leaned his face towards you, "Why the fuck that  are you still standing  there ?"

"Because I care for you, okay?!" You didn't want to lose this battle. You wanted to show him that you were not there for yourself, you were there because you knew he would be enraged at everyone if you didn't calm him down.

"Well, news flash, (Y/n)." He gripped your wrist a little bit too tight, "I don't need you caring for me!"

"T-Tsumu, you  don’t mean that," Your voice was like a whisper, you didn't even care how your wrist started to redden, "You are just upset because of the event before," His eyes still  did not waver, he still looked at you like you were a nuisance, "You are great out there you know, you didn't even do any mistake, Tsu-"

"Oh, I think I made a mistake." He played flawlessly today, with the same passion that he always did, "You wanted to know what the mistake is?" Somehow, you knew you didn't want to hear it. It's like you could predict what the next word from his lips would be.

He lifted your hand in front of your face. Showing you how his grip on your wrist tightened, making you yelp, "This. Us." You widened your eyes when he suddenly let go of your hand, slamming it to fall on your side, " We were a fucking mistake."

It was crazy how those words were enough to make your heart shatter. No, you didn't want to believe everything that he said. You knew he was just upset, "Tsumu, we could talk about this."

"Oh, come on! The second we shared our first kiss, the due date was already set on us," You knew him, he's just upset, "I just wanted you to be my girlfriend so all of those pigs would go away."  _ You knew him, he's just upset,  _ "Our relationship had a deadline, and now we're at it; what are you gonna do about it?"

**_You knew him, he's just upset._ **

But that  didn’t  mean he deserves to play with your heart like this.

"You asked me what I'm gonna do?!" You pushed him with all of your might. He was caught off guard, making him fall to the bench, "So you tell me all of those confessions were just a lie?! You tell me all of those kisses were nothing?!"

The door slammed, but both of you didn't even care to turn around,

"Yes! You are just someone that I used to dispel the pests away from me!" Tears were already brimming in your eyes, either it's because you were upset, or because he just stomped at your heart, you didn't even know anymore, "You were so naive that you think I would want to spend my whole life loving you!"

You bit your lip, you gave your love towards him for more than a year. But look where your love took you, cheeks stained with tears in front of the man who wanted to keep you in his life forever, "You know what I am going to do?! I-"

Nothing prepared you to see someone punch the boy in front of you. You backed away immediately, cowering in front of the locker, sliding yourself to the ground as you put your arms around yourself. Your sight was blurry due to the immense tears that never stop. You didn't know what happened anymore, you just felt so lost all of a sudden.

Miya Atsumu was your first love, you gave everything to him. He owned your first kiss, he owned your first relationship, he even owned your first time. You didn't want to believe everything he said today, it was not him, he  was not your Atsumu.

Suddenly, a hand helped you to stand up. You didn't have to open up your eyes to know who owned it. It belongs to none other than your boyfriend's twin. He rubbed your back calmly, glaring at his twin that now had a nosebleed.

"Hey, Atsumu." You never called him that since forever, it gave the setter a foreign feeling somehow, "I made a mistake too," You turned your head towards him when you were already standing on the doorway, "That night, around fifteen months ago," He widened his eyes, knowing what are you going to say, "I wish I never kissed you back."

Miya Atsumu only looked at your drifting figure, he didn't even apologize for all of his harsh words. He was too prideful to admit that he was just ashamed to face you due to him losing from the school that wasn't even considered as a top school.

He was too prideful to even ask for your forgiveness and told you that it was just the demon inside of him who snapped at you. He wiped the blood away from his nose, banging his forehead on the locker as the realisation dawned on him.

He told you that all of these feelings for you were just a lie. That it's just one of his disastrous schemes. What a lie, an idiotic lie. He laughed bitterly all of a sudden, grabbing his bag that was dropped on the floor. If he met you, maybe he would apologize, maybe.

And again, he was too prideful for himself. You would be by his side again, after all, you were really in love with him. He didn't have to apologize, he was sure you still love him anyway.

No matter how many times he lied to you or cancelled your date all of a sudden, you were always so understanding. Therefore, he believed that everything will be back like it used to be.

Blinded by his own pride, he just lost one person that ever truly loved him.

But he didn't even know it.


	2. Lost to Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing that you could do to save a relationship which was already broken.

You found someone that you loved in your first year of high school. He was the definition of a perfect gentleman; he opened up the door for you, he picked you up every day to go to school, he held your hand at the  crosswalk . He was perfect, but perfect for the world  didn’t  mean he would be perfect for you. 

Your eyes darted to the gold necklace on your drawer. It was a symbol that reminded you of him, the one who broke your heart into pieces. Since he bought you that, you never took it off. Until that day when he decided to pour the hurtful words right in front of your face.

It’s frightening how someone could make a big impact in your life. Maybe because he  was your first love, maybe because you trust him so much, maybe because you’re too hopeful in time that you even thought he would be yours forever, but forever is a sneaky thing.

“(Y/n)?” You looked up to find your sibling on the doorway, “Miya-san’s here.” Just the mention of his name brings a turmoil in your heart already, and your sibling noticed that. “I will just tell him to leave.” You looked at the clock, it was so late at night, and you didn’t want to meet him when you were so drained.

You were not ready to face him even though it was already two weeks after that particular event. You  had not gone to any of his practices, no longer taking care of him with a towel and food, not even trying to contact him. And deep down, you felt guilty for not approaching him at all.

Then again, Miya Atsumu never called you for those two weeks. He didn’t bother to apologize or redeem himself for what he had done. You would crawl back to him just like when the two of you have a fight before. He was so sure about it, knowing how much you love him.

That’s what he thought since he knew you well.

There  was nothing else that you want in this life than a love that would last forever. You were hoping that maybe you wouldn’t have felt the heartache along the way. Alas, Atsumu was right by labelling you as a naive girl. All you wanted was a good guy, but maybe your expectation was too high by loving the prideful setter.

“Hey, sis.” Your sibling came to your room once again with a paper bag in hand. “He wanted me to give you this.” You were confused as you took the paper bag from their hand,

“Thank you, I will open it.” They gave you a small hug before leaving you alone in your room. Once they closed the door, you opened the paper bag, and the content surprised you. It was a perfectly wrapped onigiri, you blinked and took it from the bag.

You were hesitant to taste it, but then, maybe he just wanted to apologize by making you one of your favourite foods. Slowly, you bit the onigiri in your hand. The taste somehow brought tears into your eyes. It tasted so familiar and warm even though it was already cold. 

Remembering the three of you cooking together and creating havoc at the kitchen, you wonder  if you  would ever make a memory like that ever again, knowing for sure you couldn’t face one of the twins without ache lingering in your heart.

You found a note at the bottom of the paper bag. With a steadfast move, you grabbed it, in hoping to see a familiar handwriting. You stop eating the onigiri once you see the letters. It’s not messy and curly like how your boyfriend writes.

The letters were neat and a little bit straighter. Tears were already dropping on the letter in your hand, knowing for sure now that it’s not your boyfriend. But you continued eating the onigiri vigorously. It tasted so good that it almost made you forget how hurtful your condition  was  right now.

_ “I am sorry for what he did. I miss you.” _

It’s just simple words, but somehow when you knew it’s not belong to your boyfriend, you just wanted to cry. Why did someone else miss you and not him? What does your boyfriend possibly think about you right now? How could someone care for your wellbeing so much that even your boyfriend couldn’t compare? 

Once you gulped the last bite of the onigiri, that’s when the realisation truly hit you. There will be no longer goofing around, he wouldn’t be the one who entertains you when you need a distraction, there’s no more love that you could ask from him.

Because there’s no longer  _ us  _ between you and Miya Atsumu.

It used to be there before, it used to be so powerful that no one ever thought the two of you would break. You were like a tamer to him, and he was like the sun that brought you joy. But it’s no longer there, and you need to remember that from now on.

Your eyes were lingering to the letter that was smudged because of your tears. A smile plastered on your face as you felt like someone at least appreciated you, even though it’s not actually someone that you hoped would change his way of thinking.

“Thank you, Samu.”

_ Two weeks had passed since the incident in the national’s locker room, and this Saturday night felt so quiet without you being here. You were usually here with the twins, bantering and cooking together in the kitchen. It had been a tradition for more than a year. So it felt so strange when you were not there anymore. _

_ Osamu was watching some cooking channel on the television. His twin was out to god knows where. He tried to distract himself from the thought of your broken facade that he always saw at school. It was late when the front door finally opened, _

_ “Where have you been?” He didn’t have to turn his head to know who it was, “It’s awfully late, Mom’s kept complaining about your behaviour, ‘Tsumu.” _

_ The setter clenched his fist, debating should he respond to that question or just go upstairs and leave it unanswered.  _

_ He didn’t know how to say this, he didn’t know how to open up to someone else —someone else that was not you of course. Even after all these years, his twin brother never snooped his nose in his life problems. But every time it includes you, the grey-haired twin always tried to get himself involved. _

_ “Well,” There’s something in his voice, something that made himself grimace, “I am just having fun, like you didn’t know about that.” That made Osamu jerked his head to look at him, glaring at how carefree the expression on his face was, “What? Why did you look at me like that?” _

_ “Who is it?” The wing spiker stood up, feeling uneasy all of a sudden, “Who do you spend time tonight with?” And Atsumu could only chuckle at the question. It was as if his twin saw him as someone from the time before he was with you, “Why would you do that to her?” The old him, the one who liked to play around. _

_ Atsumu knew how much his twin brother cared for you. So why not play with his mind?  _

_ After all, Osamu was mostly in the upper hand when it comes to bullying terms. And like an idiot he was, he decided that it was a good time to rile the opposite wing spiker. _

_ “It’s not like (Y/n) will care, right?” The setter put one hand on his hip, “Even though she was, something that she  _ _ doesn’t _ _ know  _ _ won’t  _ _ hurt her.” Osamu snapped, tackling the setter to the ground immediately. _

_ “You are the one who fucking hurt her!” His usual calm demeanour was long gone now, “How in the hell could you do that to her?!” _

_ “It’s just a kiss god damn it! Don’t being so fucking dramatic, Samu!”  _ **_Just a kiss_ ** _. He knew how much that gesture could feel like heaven to you. Your face would be so different after a kiss from his twin. So he knew, for you, it’s not just a kiss. _

_ “JUST A KISS?!” His hand gripped his twin’s collar, “ _ _ A  _ _ kiss is something that you share with someone that you love, you piece of trash!” A smug plastered on Atsumu’s face when he heard the wing spiker say that. _

_ “What do you know about loving someone, though?” His brown eyes bore  _ _ into the _ _ now enraged twin, “You _ _ ’ve _ _ never had a girlfriend, you know nothing about love.” _

_ “Well, how could I?!” Osamu screamed into his twin’s face. His grey orbs filled with rage and sorrow, “How could I have that when someone that I love belongs to my twin?!” _

_ Atsumu never knew about that, or maybe he’s just too apathetic for something that was going around him. Silence surrounding them once the words came out from the grey-haired twin. Osamu dropped his twin to the ground and stood up, leaving the setter to contemplate over the newfound information. _

_ Osamu didn’t want to reveal that, not when he knew how much you love his twin brother. Not when he knew his twin was too, still in love with you. But he just couldn’t help it, he didn’t even realise that he just made an onigiri on the kitchen to calm himself down. _

_ He let out a long sigh, putting the onigiri on the paper bag that he found on the countertop. Atsumu looked at him with guilt coating his brown eyes when he saw the wing spiker walking towards the front door with a paper bag in his hand. _

_ By all means, you were the first decent girlfriend that Atsumu had. Every girl before you was just to fool around and to satisfy his need. But when it came to you, he poured everything. He knew he would lose without you guiding him on the right path, but again, he was too cocky in this relationship he had. _

_ That was why he went to your house today. For hours, he stood in front of your house, trying to arrange the right words that could possibly make you forgive him. He was tired to wake up every morning, knowing that you were not going to be there at his practice. And he wanted to change that. _

_ Yet he was just a coward. It was already around 9 pm when he finally knocked on the front door. His mind spiralling deep once again, thinking that you wouldn’t forgive  _ _ him _ _ , thinking that it was no use. Thinking that he didn’t worth your time—which he actually agreed. _

_ So like an idiot, he decided to turn around and ran. Away from your house, away from you. He didn’t care as tears blurred his vision, what he knew that time as he came back to his house; was the fact that he was just a coward when it comes to your love. _

_ He wanted to just kiss you and bathe in your embrace once again. Muttering every apology, anything that could make you see that he was in love with you. Utterly, in love with you.  _

_ When he arrived at his house and calmed himself down, he promised to himself that tomorrow he would go to your class, apologizing in front of everyone if he had to because he didn’t give a damn about his pride — his pride was nothing compared to you after all. _

_ But right now, he didn’t know  _ _ what  _ _ the right thing to do  _ _ was  _ _ anymore. For the first time in forever, he thought about how you were feeling. Especially after all of those words that he blurted towards you. He was in love with you, but he didn’t know doing forever with him would be good for you. _

_ And so, he hoped he chose the right path. _

Snow was falling from the sky, accompanying you as you walked alone to your home. Just like three weeks ago, your days were filled with silence. No more crazy banter with the twins, no more impromptu run to the cinema, no more cooking together on Saturday night.

You pouted with the changes that drastically happened in your life. You knew damn well about how Atsumu’s mind worked. Maybe you should be the one who apologized. After all, he wanted space but you didn’t listen.

He was the one who said that he never actually loved you, he was the one who said that he only used you. But somehow, you knew what he said is not real, he’s just too prideful, you knew about it.

You were already standing in front of your house, but the urge to come back to school and coming back to him seems the only thing that you have in mind. You didn’t care about the cold, so you ran again in the same direction.

Three weeks, it needed you three weeks to finally do something for the relationship that was currently standing on a tightrope. Your phone buzzed as you ran. Thinking that it might be him, you opened it up.

You fell to the ground on the quiet street, didn’t bother to stand up anymore. Your head hurts because running too much, and your heart, god you wanted to rip it apart right now. You didn’t care about the physical pain that you felt right now, your emotional pain was far too painful than anything that you have ever felt.

_ “Hey, put your phone down, dimwit.” Osamu noticed the forlorn look on his twin that was currently typing, “Oi! Did you hear me or-” _

_ But he didn’t expect to see the glossy brown orbs as it stared at the phone screen. Osamu knew, he knew what could make his twin look like that. He was there when the two of you fought about how the setter was careless about his own health, so he knew too well, the only thing that could make even the most obnoxious person he ever knew, to be like this. _

_ “Tsumu, what did you do?” He asked his twin who was now throwing his phone on the bag. Atsumu looked so stressed, but then he chuckled bitterly. He looked up to saw the wing spiker, _

_ “I did what I think was right, Samu.” And those words were the only thing Osamu needed to barge outside from the gymnasium. He didn’t care for the shout that was directed for him. The only thing in his mind was you, nothing else. _

You feel like you couldn’t breath anymore, the snow under you was starting to melt with how much your tears were dripping down. Your fingers started to feel numb, but it was better than the feeling of heartbreak.

Everyone could tell you that you were exaggerating, it’s just a boy after all. No man worth to make you act like this. But you loved him too much, and knowing you and him were through for real, you couldn’t help but feel that you just lost a half of your life.

**_“I think we_ ** **_were_ ** **_never meant for each other.”_ **

You bit your lip, hoping that it was not real.

**_“In case you still have feelings for me, I am sorry, (Y/n).”_ **

This was not the apology that you wanted.

**_“We are better off apart.”_ **


	3. Lost to Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would do anything for them, even if that means he sacrifices his own happiness.

"This is the longest time the two of you  haven’t talked to each other," The Miyas’ mother cut the silence  at the dinner table one particular day. "You guys better settle this problem, fast. I don’t know what it is about, but I don’t like seeing my sons like this." She gracefully dabbed her lips before standing up from the table, finished with her dinner.

It was silence, just like these past few weeks. Yes, it  had been five weeks since Miya Atsumu broke up with you through text. And the twins wouldn’t talk to each other if it’s not necessary. Osamu was enraged, remembering how your body flushed in the cold snow that day.

“You are stupid.” That’s the only thing he said before standing up, following his mother to clean his plate. Atsumu let out a long sigh before banging his forehead on the dinner table, contemplating his decision one more time, the decision that will haunt him  _ forever. _

Volleyball practice was never the same these last two months without you being there. You were usually there to bring the whole team some onigiri, stopping him when he’s too absorbed with practice, cheering him on when he did a service ace, it’s all just silence now.

_ “Hey, Samu.” The setter called out to his twin who was now laying in their bed, “Where were you going just now?” After the confession about how the wing spiker loved you, he just went somewhere and came back around half an hour after. _

_ “That’s none of your business,” Osamu’s voice was full of anger, he couldn’t believe that his twin just kissed someone else. Someone else that’s not you. _

_ The two of them just lay in their own bed, both couldn’t sleep because their minds were filled with a certain girl. The setter was thinking about his girlfriend, someone that he took for granted. The wing spiker was thinking about someone that he loves, but couldn’t have because she was taken. _

_ They were thinking about you, the one girl who owned both of their hearts. _

_ “D-Do you really love her?” Atsumu voiced what had been lingering inside his mind. He never stuttered before, but right now, he was just too afraid all of a sudden. Osamu blinked, noticing how his twin spoke differently. _

_ “I do.” The setter bit his lip by hearing those two words. Two simple words but it  _ _ made _ _ him insane immediately. Atsumu may not look like it, but he loves his twin brother so much. The fact that they were in love with the same person was the biggest obstacle in his life, “Why?” _

_ Why indeed. The question caught him off guard. He didn’t particularly know why his heart acted like it would stop at any moment. Maybe because right now, he was in the middle of letting the two of his most precious people in the world for being together. _

_ “Since when?” He cleared his throat, trying to dig as much information as he could. It scared him now, knowing someone else loving you. He never bothered if it’s just some random guy, he wouldn’t even bother if it’s the best setter in the world. _

_ But it was his twin brother, someone who  _ _ took the first inhale _ _ with him at the same time. _

_ “Since the first time we cooked together,” Atsumu almost choked by the answer. He was lost when it came to who was the one loving you longer. The first time they made the plan, they were still in the second term of their first year of junior high. _

_ Five years, Miya Osamu has been in love with you for five years and his twin brother didn’t even notice it. _

_ How hurt it would be for the grey haired boy to see him barge into the door that day after his first kiss with you and shouting, “ _ **_I couldn’t believe she agreed to be my girlfriend._ ** _ ”  _

_ Osamu didn’t need to ask who the girl was at that time, he knew too well. The fact he had been silent when they were so lovey dovey in front of him, it was all because he felt like he needed to get used to it. Because he knew too, that the girl he loved, fell for his twin instead of him. _

_ “I am sorry,” Now, this is something that Osamu thought would ever get out from his twin’s lips. He immediately looked down to the bunk bed where the setter lay. _

_ “Are you sick?” They just looked at each other and blinked, “Did I just hear you say sorry?” Atsumu glared at him, but it was more like an annoyed glare rather than an angry one. _

_ “I am not,” The setter flicked his twin’s forehead, “But I am really sorry.” Osamu just sighed and got back to his previous position. His grey orbs staring at the ceiling. It’s weird that talking about it made him feel relieved. _

_ “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” He knew how much Atsumu loved you, he realised how his brown orbs would lit up immediately at the sight of you. And to see the two of them happy together felt like he had done the right thing after all. “Just do something for the two of you.” _

_ But the tragic things between them, twins would always be twins. No matter how different they were, they share the same thought every now and then. And now, they thought the same about you. _

Your friends were all worried about you when they saw you the next day after you broke up. There were dark circles under your eyes,  they were puffy and you looked so pale. They knew that you and the famous setter were on a rough path, but they didn’t think the two of you would end the journey there.

The pain was still there no matter how many days were passed. It was lunch time now, and you didn’t bother to buy some lunch. You unlocked your phone, searching for his name. What you did was self-destruction, it hurt you every time you saw his name. But somehow, you couldn’t just forget everything about him.

Your daydreaming was cut short when you saw a plastic  container of onigiri dropped on your desk. You blinked and looked up to see a familiar face. The face that you were longing for, the face that was so similar to someone that you love. If it’s not because of the grey orbs, they would have the same facade.

“Your friends said you never get out to buy lunch.” You were just silent as he sat on the chair in front of you, too shocked to emit even one word, “So, I supposed I would give you this instead.” There’s no expression on his face, but how the words rolled from his lips, you knew that he cared, “Please eat-”

He widened his eyes at the sight if you. Your eyes were glossy as tears were already prickling at the side of your orbs. You bit your lips, trying to control your emotion that was at the peak right now.

You missed this, you missed this so much that it hurts. You missed how the twins would show up at your class and dragged you to the cafeteria. You missed the taste of their cooking, you even missed how horrible Atsumu’s cooking was. 

Since that day, you haven’t felt any of those habits anymore. It’s not just Atsumu who was gone from your life, the days changed drastically that you didn’t even recognize it anymore.

Osamu didn’t have tissue or a handkerchief to wipe the tears away, so he decided to wear his thumb instead. He was frantic inside, it broke him every time he saw you cry like this. He felt guilty, since he knew the one who caused this forlorn state of yours was his twin.

“I-I am sorry for crying-” You sobbed and tried to smile, wiping your remaining tears by yourself, “I look so miserable, oh my god.” You snorted, something that was not lady-like at all. But it’s something you always did to turn your sadness into a joke.

He just gave you a little smile. That smile was so genuine and soft, unlike his twin that was more into a smirk and cheeky smile. Once again, he pushed the onigiri on you, silently begging you to eat it. You chuckled at this and unwrapped the plastic.

You bite it, and you immediately close your eyes with how much the taste warmed your heart. It brings nostalgia to your soul, remembering how the smooth rice would roll in your tongue so easily. You must have noticed that late night onigiri was made by Osamu instead of your boyfriend, or now, your ex-boyfriend.

The taste was similar yet so different. Atsumu would like the filling to be more savoury, while Osamu would love to balance the flavor so there’s no overwhelming taste. The two were different, but you love it all nevertheless.

The wing spiker put his chin on your desk, noting every single thing from your face that he could catch. You teared up, but he had a gut feeling that it’s not because of the same reason from before. So he smiled, gazing at you with adoration from his grey orbs.

“It’s good?” He asked with a pure curiosity, he added something different and wanted you to taste it. He wanted you to be the first person who judged his cooking. It’s not like you were a professional taster or something, but he knew you would evaluate it fair and square.

“It’s perfect, Samu.” He loves it, how his name rolled from your tongue like a blessing, “It’s new, isn’t it? The taste was so familiar, but I could taste something else inside.” The grey haired boy let out a small grin and straightened his posture.

“Yeah, about that-” It  was like he was someone else when it came to food. He could talk for hours about it until everyone would be bored. But you would never, there’s always a glimmer in his eyes every time he talked about it.

You loved it, the passion that was emitted from someone when they talked about something that they love so much. You were always there at their practice before, because you loved to see the setter’s eyes when he played. Just like now, you were just eating up the remaining onigiri in silence, eyes focusing on the boy in front of you.

He may look identically the same with Atsumu, but he was a whole different person. Osamu was always the gentle one, he didn’t really like to draw attention. But he could be snide and his sarcasm was always on point. 

This is the first time you actually looked at him with different light. You noted how he moved his hand a lot when he talked about food or how he raised his eyebrows when he asked for opinion.

The two of you were so absorbed with the warm conversation. A pair of brown eyes bore inside the classroom through the window as he saw his twin talk to you so freely.

He wanted that, he wanted to be the one who talked with you. Goofing around like he used to do with you every single day. But he didn’t want to break the smile that you created on your visage, something that was missing from you since the day his pride was eating him alive.

You looked so calm now, talking to his twin like the break up never happened. He smiled lovingly at the sight before walking away from his spot. That was his intention from the start after all. When he knew how much his twin loves you, he knew for sure that it was the best to let you go.

Atsumu was someone who would do anything to get what he wanted. And he wanted to be selfish like he always did to have you in his arms again. But then, his way of thinking started to change. Because now, it’s resolving around his twin too.

You were not just someone that he loved, it’s not just him that wanted you forever in his life. But his twin always wanted you in his life too, and this tore him apart every day since he knew the facts.

For him, loving you was a blessing. You were the first person that could make him feel like this. You were the only person that he wanted to keep in his life beside his family. But then again, you were someone that his twin loves so much.

And he couldn’t endure to be the one who kept you from someone that could treat you better than himself.

_ “Why the hell did you do that?” Atsumu paused the game when he heard his twin’s voice, “Why did you break it off like that?” He knew that the wing spiker finally understood the reason behind his action that he took. So he just let out a long sigh and continue to play, _

_ “It doesn’t matter now,” It’s true, he already made up his decision, and he didn’t want to change that. Suddenly, the console on his hand was being ripped off from his grasp. _

_ “IT DOES MATTER TO ME!” Osamu gripped his collar, and it brought back a memory from a few weeks ago, “Why?” He asked again, desperation emanated from the grey orbs, “Why did you break it off when you still love her?” _

_ Atsumu smiled, and it was the only answer that the wing spiker needed. He dropped the setter gently to the ground. Knowing for sure why his twin decided to break up with you. Osamu sat on the carpeted floor of their shared bedroom, trying to process what just happened in their life. _

_ “You love her though, right, Tsumu?” His voice was like a whisper, he didn’t actually need a confirmation. He knew his twin too well, “I don’t know how your mind works sometimes.” _

_ “We are the same, Samu.” Atsumu lay on the ground, looking at the ceiling, “We both want her to be happy, and at the same time,” He turned his head, looking at his twin brother who was now emitting guilt from his face, “We know who  _ _ would  _ _ suit her better.” _

_ Osamu snorted at this, shaking his head with the newfound information. The two of them were twins after all, they wanted you to be happy, and they wanted their twin to be happy with her. _

_ But there’s only one twin who could have you, and Atsumu knew immediately that he had lost from the battle of having you. No matter how much he loves you, he could only hope that it was the right decision to let you go. _

_ “You are stupid,” Osamu kicked the setter’s arm with a playful demeanour, “Really stupid and just an utter imbecile.” Atsumu’s eyebrows twitched at the insult, “But thank you,” _

_ Atsumu was ready to throw another insult at his twin, but he stopped when he heard the last three words. He smiled, could already picture you with his twin brother instead of him. Slowly, he was sure that you would open up your heart for someone else. _

_ Even if it’s not him, even if it would never be him again to be the one who holds you close, he knew it was the best path that he chose. Either for you, and for his twin. _

_ “You are welcome.” _


	4. Completely lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There would be a day when happiness finally came to his life. But it was just not now.

_ “You know? I think I never want you to be out of my life.”  _

Miya Atsumu remembered well the first time he confessed those words to you. It was in his first year of high school when life was so much easier. That time, you were walking home with him and his twin after their practice. And after days contemplating himself about the right way to make you his, he decided to just go with it.

It was sweet, how he  _ demanded _ you to be his. How his thumb grazed your lips to ask for permission before crashing it on yours when your orbs glinted with love. Two people with the same feelings, there was nothing that stopped you from being together. His life felt one hundred percent better with you as his lover. You were together for more than a year, and those days were the best moment in his life.

Yet he just had to ruin it.

Blinding by his pride, he insulted you, stomping on your heart while the only thing that you wanted was just to be there for him. He hurt you, spitting unforgivable words in order to make you go away. All because he was ashamed to face you after his loss, and his pride was just too large to the point it caused him to self-destruct.

Then he remembered how his twin told him about his own feelings towards you, the same girl who was now grown up to be a wonderful lady. You were now walking slowly towards his twin, a smile adorned your face as your eyes fixated on the black haired man that he called his brother. You looked so majestic today, with the white dress wrapping perfectly around your figure.

_ Sweat kept trickling down his face as he practiced for the next tournament. He didn’t stop for hours, knowing for sure he would fight against the best setter in the country. He was so grateful to have teammates that were as competitive as him, accompanying him to practice until late at night without once emitted complaint. _

_ “Oi, Tsum-Tsum!” He turned his head to the sideline after giving a toss to one of his teammates, “Your phone is ringing!” _

_ “Who is it?” He screamed out and put his hands on his hips, trying to catch as much oxygen as he could. His teammate, who was the ace of the team, looked at his phone to see the caller ID. _

_ “Oh, it’s Miya-san!” The setter blinked, wondering why his twin decided to call him this late at night. Osamu rarely called, it must be something important to make his twin call him, “Should I answer first?” _

_ “Yes, tell him I would be there in a second.” Atsumu walked to grab a towel, dabbing his head with it and wrapped it around his neck. He decided to grab a bottle of mineral water before heading towards the ace. _

_ He wondered what might be the news about, it’s been months since his twin released his business. Everything was going smoothly for the two of them. And he was happy, to know that the ex-wing spiker was now battling in his real arena. (Even if it took him a whole year to see that.) _

_ “Oh, he’s here! And congratulations, Miya-san!” The ace immediately gave the phone to Atsumu who was now raising one of his eyebrows because of the words that he just heard. He sensed something when his twin decided to call him. He thought it was some bad news at first, but hearing the ace congratulate his twin, it must be great news instead — at least, at least for one of them. _

_ “Oi, Samu.” There was a smile shaped on his face in an instant every time he talked with the owner of the Onigiri Miya, feeling at home already no matter how far they were apart, “I conclude this is going to be good news, right? Since Bokkun congratulated you and such.” _

_ “Yeah, yeah it is.” Somehow, Atsumu could know that his twin was smiling so wide on the other line, “Hey, ‘Tsumu.” He decided to sit on the bench now once his name was called. He didn’t know why, but it felt like he needed to prepare his heart. _

_ “Yes, Samu?” _

_ “She said yes.” _

_ Atsumu suddenly felt like he was in some kind of illusion, everything felt so unreal, and he couldn’t quite process the meaning behind those three words that he just heard from his twin. He knew, he understood very well, but the other side of him just could not accept it. _

_ “W-What do you mean?” _

_ “I-I proposed to her tonight,” He could hear a sigh from the other line, and Atsumu didn’t know it was either a sigh of relief, or a sigh of  _ **_guilt_ ** _. “And she said yes.” _

_ The setter almost choked with the information that he just got. Six years has passed since he let you go for his twin. But he couldn’t eliminate the sizzling ache inside his heart right now. _

_ And Osamu knew, he knew too well that the setter never moved on from your love, at least not completely. Every time they talked about you, it would always end up with Atsumu almost tearing up. Even though the volleyball player already tried to suppress his feelings, at the end, he failed miserably. _

_ Maybe it’s because the bond between twins was indestructible, and somehow ever since you came into their life, Osamu would become more observant when it comes to Atsumu. So if anything, he knew too well that the setter could still get the aching feeling in his heart, even right now as he shared the news. _

_ “O-Oh! That's great news indeed!” Atsumu’s voice broke the silence, “I am so happy for the two of you!” It was not really him that was talking, it was his coping mechanism, the side that he put when he tried to hide his broken state, “How was it? Tell me what you did, Samu.” _

_ “‘Tsumu.” _

_ “Did you serenade her? Ah no, that’s impossible.” _

_ “Atsumu.” _

_ “Oh! I know, you must have cooked the best food for her, right?” _

_ “ATSUMU!” _

_ The setter was taken aback by the outburst, he let out a long sigh when he realised that he was just rambling. He bit his lip, trying to suppress the tears that were already forming on his eyes. Atsumu never cried, at least not about anything else, it only happened when the topic spun around you. _

_ “I am sorry, Tsu-” _

_ “No, don’t say that. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He wiped his cheek with the towel that was wrapped around his neck from before, didn’t want anyone else to see him like this, “I-I am really happy for you, for the two of you.” _

_ Osamu was speechless, he knew that his twin was genuine. But he couldn’t help but sensed the sorrow that was dripping in every word that just blurted out from his twin’s lips. _

_ “Thank you, Tsumu.” It was always like this, him thanking his twin for letting you go. Osamu may endure the pain for the first five years of loving you, but now, his twin was the one who needed to endure the feelings for you, for god knows how long. _

_ “Meh, it’s all your victory, Samu.” The setter was now calmed down a little. He couldn’t show how much the information hurt him, not in front of someone that he deeply cared for. Tonight was Osamu’s night, for getting your hand in marriage, the start of a journey that may last  _ **_forever_ ** _. _

_ So it’s not his place to be the victim, it’s not his place to show the pain, it’s not his place to snatch the joy from his twin. The black haired man had done so much for him, and he must do the same. He just needs to endure the pain, one more time. _

_ “Have you set the wedding date?” _

He stood up once he saw you and his twin walked gracefully in the middle of the reception venue. Everyone was clapping once they all saw the newlywed couple finally arrived, looking so happy with arms linked to each other.

Atsumu could only gazed at the two, heart beating so fast as he saw how beautiful you look today. You were so breathtaking, a smile never leaves your face due to the fact you have got the love that would last forever, something that had been your dream since teenage years.

No matter how much he had tried to keep his imagination away, it was all falling apart once he saw you. He imagined himself to be the one who put the ring in your finger, to be the one who kissed you every day, to be the one who felt your love until the end of time.

But he let those dreams slip between his fingers, and now you were standing there with someone that he deeply cared for. There was no regret, it was the path that he chose once he knew that his twin felt the same towards you. 

He had no regret, because now the two best people in his life would be happy together.

Atsumu was really lost in thought, his gaze could only focus on you. The table that he was on right now consisted of him with his high school volleyball team. They were the people who were there when you still belong to him, and they couldn’t help but feel worried for the setter.

There were tears brimming in his eyes as he clapped and laughed over something that the wedding host threw at the audience. But all of his friends knew the only thing that occupied his mind right now. His smile may be so genuine, but it would show a glimpse of pain once in a while.

Atsumu didn’t even realise that it was now the time to dance. He stood up, searching for his twin to congratulate him. His eyes scanned the crowd and looked around at the same time to take notes of the decoration and such — Maybe for his own wedding someday but somehow he doubted that — It’s not much around here, and he chuckled because he knew too well that his twin didn’t want an extravagant venue, the ex-wing spiker just wanted the wedding to be just  _ right _ .

But in the middle of his quest, he was stopped at the sight of you. You were greeting your friends here and there, your smile didn't falter even after hours since the ceremony. And when you finally looked up and caught his gaze, time seemed to freeze around him.

He thought you would turn your head away immediately, so he didn’t expect you to walk towards him instead. There was a faint smile on your face as you walked, and he couldn’t help but hold his breath when you finally stood in front of him.

“Atsumu.” Your voice was gentle, greeting the now shocked man, “You okay there?”  _ No, I am not.  _ But he was just silent, staring at your gorgeous complexion within close range. You were chuckling at his awkward stance, not even thinking that this man could ever act like this.

“I-I am okay,” He cursed himself for even stuttering. But then he heard you laugh, and maybe him being a total idiot in front of you was worth it, “Congratulations, (Y/n).” The song played in the background as the two of you stood there. It was a classic old song, but being sung by someone else. And right now as he stared at you, he couldn’t help but wanted to ask you to dance.

He contemplated this, would it be okay for him to even steal the first dance from his twin? He had a gut feeling that Osamu wouldn’t mind, but it felt not right. That and the fact of you turning him down was haunting his mind right now.

“Want to dance with me, Atsumu?” He was now standing there dumbfounded as he could not believe the question that was thrown for him. Even after all these years, somehow you still managed to amaze him, “Even though we haven’t talked for years, it doesn’t mean that I lost my mind-reading ability.” He snorted at your joke. It was true though, you knew him like the back of your hand. As if never to be in touch for so long could waive the bond that was once laced perfectly.

“Is that okay?” Atsumu was being considerate over Osamu feelings, and you knew this. So you had to be the one who pulled him to the dance floor, slipping through the inner circle in between dresses and suits, “Samu will kill me.”

“Mhm, maybe.” You joked and put your hands on top of his shoulders as he timidly put his hand on your hips. “Don’t be so stiff, Atsumu!” How could he not? It’s been years since the last time he saw you. And now as you were so close to him, his mind racing for the sole fact that he could do things that weren't supposed to happen.

But the song and the atmosphere calmed him down within a second. You were now the only thing that existed in this world; at least that’s what he felt right now. You close your eyes and just sway your body slowly, enjoying the song and dance.

At that moment, Atsumu just wanted to cry. It was your perfect wedding idea, to dance with anyone you care about, throwing the bouquet after this, then ending it with a toast. Just that simple.

“Hey, (Y/n).” You looked up, eyes staring at the brown orbs who was now looking at you with the same gaze that he gave you all those years ago.

**_Shall I stay?_ **

“I am sorry, for that day.” You knew what day that he meant, and you smiled at this, “I am sorry for just saying it now. Years, I am such an idiot.” He chuckled to hide the pain, so he didn’t have to make you worried.

**_Would it be a sin?_ **

“No matter what happened, I still want to keep you in my life forever.” There’s a veiled meaning behind those words, “And thanks to Samu, my wish had been granted!”

**_If I can’t help_ **

“So, yeah… I am sorry for what I have done to you,” His brown eyes were glossy now, “I hope you will always be with him.”

**_Falling in love with you_ **

“Because now you finally have the love that will last forever.” Your pupils dilated a little when he said those words, not believing that he still remembered the words that once came out from your lips.

You couldn’t believe it, eyes frantic as you realised the hidden message behind his words. Miya Atsumu was still in love with you, even after all these years, “Atsumu, I-”

“May I have this dance?” Your husband suddenly appeared beside you, and Atsumu could see how your eyes calmed down instantly at the sight of his twin. He then took your hand from his shoulders and gave it to the happiest person in this room.

“She’s all yours, Samu.” Atsumu winked at you, trying to reassure you that he would be alright, “You were gone so I couldn’t help but steal her away for a minute.” He teased his twin, making the poor man send him an annoyed glare.

But it changed right when the grey orbs fell to your figure. Osamu's whole demeanour changed as he was now the one who put their hands on your hips. From that action, you immediately wrapped your arms around his neck, closing the gap as you put your head at the crook of his neck.

Atsumu bowed a little and walked away from the couple, searching for a drink to calm his heartbeat. With a glass of champagne on his hand, he walked back to his seat, sipping slowly as his brown eyes were back to the sight of you and his twin, dancing in the middle of the room without a care for this world.

When the realisation finally hit him, he broke down right when his high school friends were back to the seat. His ex-captain handed him a tissue and said nothing. They let him cry, pouring all of his pain that he endured for these past few years since he let you go.

It was painful when the truth seeped into his heart. It was his dream to keep you in his life, but this is not the scenario that he had when he confessed those words to you all of those years ago.

He wanted you to be a Miya, but it was his name that he wanted on the wedding certificate, not his twin. This was not the ending that he wanted, this was not in his mind when he kissed you that night.

But it was the best choice that he ever made in his life.

He straightened his posture, hearing his name as the host called out to him. He didn’t realise that it was time to give a toast. After dabbing his eyes to erase any remaining tears, he took a deep breath and strided into the stage, didn't forget to bring a glass of champagne in his hand.

Atsumu looked at his twin who was now having his arm circled around your waist. It was a sight to behold, the sight that he wanted to be unfolded as he made the decision that day he let you go.

You looked so happy, in the arms of someone who you were sure will love you forever. For the people out there, forever may be a long time, but if it was spent with the right person, it would be a bliss until the end of the day.

If he could let you go before, maybe he could let your heart go even though it means you have his heart as you walk into your own journey with his twin. Osamu gave him a reassuring smile, eyes lingered with gratitude as he gazed towards the setter.

If he couldn’t love another person except you, then may it be, he was ready. Because for him, watching the two people that he loved the most were happy together was something that he wouldn't trade for anything.

He let out the heavy heart that he felt with a sigh and smiled, embracing the future that would come in his way,

“ Hello everyone! May I please have your attention for just a few brief, heartfelt moments as we toast for the lovely bride and groom?”

And that time as he smiled genuinely to the crowd, everything just felt so right.


End file.
